Method #10: Zoloft

It turns out, not only does Zoloft make me less anxious and happier, one of the side effects is that it's harder for me to ejaculate. Holy shit! Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?

Not so fast, there are some side effects that aren't so helpful. I get really drowsy, and I can't drink caffeine to offset that because the combination makes me literally insane. Also, I can't drink alcohol on this stuff because the two working together will team up to eat up my liver. My doctor didn't tell me that I couldn't have my two favorite drugs anymore if I started with this one.

Right now I'm sleepy as hell, can't take a nap, and can't have caffeine. All of this to get better at sex so I don't lose my girlfriend, and we haven't even tried to have sex in three weeks. It's not looking good for us. I haven't been able to try the topic of this post or the prior one, and I feel I may never get the chance the way things are going.

But, the Zoloft is making me happy, at least until about 2 PM, at which time I'm unbelievably and unstoppably tired for the remainder of the day.

Method #9: Think About Baseball

This has been a popular way of doing things, but it's never been enough for me because my mind wanders too much. It's like this for me:

My local baseball team is looking pretty good this year. Good starters, but the bullpen kind of blows. They also need a lead off hitter and a, holy crap that's hot! No! Baseballl. Baseball! So, the local baseball team, they got a great set of tits. No!!

I opted, instead, to try to name players from a football team of a certain year (have you noticed yet that I'm intentionally hiding what city's teams I support?). I must admit, I got pretty good at it. I could rattle off the entire defense in the first five minutes, work my way through most of the offense in the next five, but then I'd just hone in on the sex. After my sports heroes got me through the first part, I was in good shape, but that was before this problem. Now I can't even get through the defensive line, which is typically where I start, without losing it.

Someone told me to do the multiplication tables in my head, which seems like the perfect strategy, since there are no gaps in thought like there is in naming the football players, like transitioning from running backs to receiving corps, which is when thoughts of "don't blow it, asshole" can jump right in my head.

So, I begin, perhaps tonight, to go over my times tables with more fervor than I did when I was eight, sweating over flash cards, barely passing the third grade.