Method 12: One Shot of Chilled Jagermeister

The other night I read my girlfriend's emails. She did it to me first, so don't judge. Also, what got me searching was the fact that when I asked her if she had feelings for someone else, she said, "No. Why? Have you been snooping?" If I wasn't fully suspicious before, I was after hearing that. Upon reading the emails, I found nothing anywhere, and it looked as if she really was squeaky clean, like Obama. Then I looked in her drafts folder, and there it was: an email to her hockey player ex who I always suspected she wasn't over, where she wrote him how she was still in love with him. I hate to say something like this because I don't do it for dramatic effect, but my heart had that crushed feeling, as in literally crushed, as if someone were wringing it out like a dish rag. It was too the point where I couldn't function all day.

Later that day she was telling me some very bad news about her family, and I wasn't able to be emotionally present for her. Big surprise, I mean, I can never be present for her, considering I'm the type of guy who expresses his feelings better through his writing than he is cable of in person, but I was in no position to support someone who was in love with someone else, someone who just gave me the aforementioned dish rag treatment. When she expressed her frustration at my inability to be supportive, I felt no other choice but to tell her about digging through her emails, to explain why I was emotionally checked out. She went in the next room, pulled out her lap top, and showed me that the email was sent to the dude before she and I even met. Oops.

I only told two people about this episode. One laughed her ass off, and the other asked me if I checked those emails looking for an excuse to break up with her. Thinking back, I kind of was.

The next night I took her out to dinner, she said some hurtful things, I swore at her, got up from the table, looked in the mirror, and said to myself, "I don't even like this person let alone love her." We drove home resolved to break up, and then we started crying, telling each other all kinds of stuff we have been feeling. She cried, I did, too, but I made sure she didn't catch me; I always do. Then we got relatively drunk for a Monday, watching a hockey game, enjoying each other's company in a way we hadn't for months. She ordered two shots on the way out, mine a chilled shot of Jagermeister, and we had unbelievably great sex. Those few sporadic times when the sex is good, there's a huge weight off our shoulders, we're giddy and childlike, and all is right with the world, for that brief while.

The next night was back to usual: awkward, she was depressed, I was distant, and there was not so much as a kiss. We barely looked at one another.

'Bartender, the lady and I will have two shots of chilled Jagermeister . . .'

Method #11: Have a Patient Girlfriend

Considering we hadn't had sex in over three weeks, I had a pretty decent performance last night. I started out really anxious, doing the multiplication tables in my head, which only made me appear more restless. She said, in a calm voice, looking me in the eye, "Just relax. It's just you and me." She continued to soothe me through out, and I calmed down and did okay. I wasn't great, but it was way better a showing than I've given in a long time, especially considering I had no drinks in me.

She was so sweet, and it was really beautiful, actually, but it made me feel like kind of a loser, like I need to be soothed to do okay. Soothing sex is really great, but I want crazy monkey-sex like I used to be capable of. Well, maybe if I get in a comfort zone with the slow stuff, I can get down with some ape-like stuff later in the game.

Here's hoping . . .

Method #10: Zoloft

It turns out, not only does Zoloft make me less anxious and happier, one of the side effects is that it's harder for me to ejaculate. Holy shit! Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?

Not so fast, there are some side effects that aren't so helpful. I get really drowsy, and I can't drink caffeine to offset that because the combination makes me literally insane. Also, I can't drink alcohol on this stuff because the two working together will team up to eat up my liver. My doctor didn't tell me that I couldn't have my two favorite drugs anymore if I started with this one.

Right now I'm sleepy as hell, can't take a nap, and can't have caffeine. All of this to get better at sex so I don't lose my girlfriend, and we haven't even tried to have sex in three weeks. It's not looking good for us. I haven't been able to try the topic of this post or the prior one, and I feel I may never get the chance the way things are going.

But, the Zoloft is making me happy, at least until about 2 PM, at which time I'm unbelievably and unstoppably tired for the remainder of the day.

Method #9: Think About Baseball

This has been a popular way of doing things, but it's never been enough for me because my mind wanders too much. It's like this for me:

My local baseball team is looking pretty good this year. Good starters, but the bullpen kind of blows. They also need a lead off hitter and a, holy crap that's hot! No! Baseballl. Baseball! So, the local baseball team, they got a great set of tits. No!!

I opted, instead, to try to name players from a football team of a certain year (have you noticed yet that I'm intentionally hiding what city's teams I support?). I must admit, I got pretty good at it. I could rattle off the entire defense in the first five minutes, work my way through most of the offense in the next five, but then I'd just hone in on the sex. After my sports heroes got me through the first part, I was in good shape, but that was before this problem. Now I can't even get through the defensive line, which is typically where I start, without losing it.

Someone told me to do the multiplication tables in my head, which seems like the perfect strategy, since there are no gaps in thought like there is in naming the football players, like transitioning from running backs to receiving corps, which is when thoughts of "don't blow it, asshole" can jump right in my head.

So, I begin, perhaps tonight, to go over my times tables with more fervor than I did when I was eight, sweating over flash cards, barely passing the third grade.

Method #8: Kegel Excercises

This is another way of saying penis excercises, believe it or not. It's a matter of isolating and contracting the area as hard as you can, releasing, and gradually increasing how long you hold it, how many sets you do, etc. I'm just glad no doctors recommend lifting dumbells with it because I've seen that on the internet, and looks like no picnic.

I tried a few kegel excercises. I put a little headband around him and gave him the workout of a liftetime. It was like a Kegel Ironman. Poor fella was panting and sweating his poor purple head off. It was after doing this that I read that overstraining yourself can actually make the problem worse. Shit.

One article I read said that you can do these excercises anywhere: at your desk, in your car during stoplights. Come on! I'm not doing that in public . . . So, I did a few "reps" in the car the other day, and I think I'm gaining some peen strength. I just wonder if other motorists could see my faces. They probably thought I was taking a dump. I would be impressed if they ascertained that I was excercising my dong.

Well, much like everything else that I've tried, it didn't work. I'm still lousy in bed these days.

I honestly think it's just stress, anxiety, and worrying about it that is causing the problem. I'm focusing on it too much, as evidenced by the fact that I've started up a blog about it. How do I not focus on it? It's totally emasculating and scary as hell. I'm getting stressed out, and I just don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to work out my penis and go to bed.

Method #7: Stay in There

Have you ever tried to stop yourself by suddenly pulling out? Don't do that. You may be able to stop yourself, but you'll only annoy your partner, who wants you to remain inserted so that she continues to feel good. Plus, all that stopping and starting will make her anxious. Besides, if you mess up and finish, at least you do it inside her and not all over the sheets.

I got one all over the sheets today, and she was really pissed. She maintains that she doesn't care if I go quick, but spunking on the linens really ticks her off. She was upset, I was feeling shitty about myself with this stupid problem of mine, especially because I swear I used to have unbelievable control (pathetic that I have to keep mentioning that), and we were both quiet for an uncomfortable few hours. She told me that she estimates that I've been having this problem for about the last six months of our one year relationship. I had no idea it has been going on that long, which made me feel even crappier.

We then had a great night out, came home drunk, and I was a sexual dynamo. I really hope to find more viable options with these 101 blogs than getting drunk because I think in the grand scheme of things I'd rather be a premature ejaculator than a full blown alcoholic.

Method #6: Clear the Air

I mentioned in my last post that another secret to a recent good performance was clearing the air, and I believe this to be 100% true. Sex problems in relationships often stem from intimacy problems, which stem from a division between the couple.

My girl and I went out for sushi, and we had a big fight about a big topic. It's something that is so big that it's always going to be a problem between us; it's just a matter of how often it comes up. Things looked pretty bad, but I laid it on the line for her over a long drive in an open, vulnerable, but somehow ballsy way. It's very hard to describe without giving details of the conversation, but I want to leave that sort of stuff out of thing blog. In any case, she cried, and I damn near did, too.

We both felt like there was a huge wall between us knocked down, and we had really intimate, beautiful sex, really connecting like never before- certainly in a way we haven't done it in months. Afterwards, we were both giddy and almost high.

You have to break down those walls, people.

Then again, a few nights later, I had one pretty good performance and one downright lousy one. Either it was just the wine that made me good, I have all new barriers to break down, or I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Method #5: Drink a Bottle of Wine

I had the performance of a lifetime the other night. Two rounds on a Monday night, and we were talking dirty to one another in all kinds of positions, and both totally into it. It made me discover a few tricks of the trade: Clear the Air With Your Partner, Realize You Are in Love Again, Relax, and, what we will deal with in this entry: Drink a Bottle of Wine.

Walking that fine line of relaxing yourself with some booze to last longer, and going way past that and right into whiskey dick is a slippery slope, indeed. Try drinking something that you know doesn't get away from you, a drink where you feel cool and in control. Some can drink real slow on a stiff drink and act suave and sophisticated all night. Some have trouble with hard liquor and opt to stick to beer. That's fine, but watch out for bloating cause a bloated guy is no good in the sack (this sounds like a Men's Health article all of a sudden). Me, I like to stick to wine. If I switch to anything else, the night can get ugly in a hurry, but when the lady and I drink wine, I'm cool, relaxed, somehow smarter, and on Monday, a sexual dynamo. Sorry, but I have to bask in it a bit after a slump like I had.

When you have sex with a moderate buzz on, you can concentrate on just feeling good, doing and saying whatever feels right, without your brain thinking too much about if you're going to cum and how to stop it. But, again, there's that perfect amount.

I recommend, if you think you're going to get down that evening, going with one bottle of wine, or whatever you can handle less than that. Just wine, no other kinds of booze, and no more than one bottle. Do I sound like a drunk when I recommend people drink a bottle of wine on a Monday night and have sex all night? Well, this is an anonymous blog so I can recommend anything I like. Hell, a bottle of wine and sex have been great fun for hundreds of years, and I'll shout that from the highest mountain tops. Heck, I'll do both on those mountain tops, and . . . Okay, you get the idea.

Method #4: Start Doing It With Someone Else

I'm serious. I'm starting to think it's this girlfriend that is causing a good portion of the stress in my life that is contributing to this problem. I never had the problem before.

Tonight she invites me over, and then starts picking fights left and right. I make one of my witty remarks during some Puff Daddy reality show, and she just outright says, "I just want quiet right now." Who says that? After nine or ten other snaps at me, she says, "Why don't you just go home?" Life is too damn short to be like that to other people, or more importantly, to be around people who are like that. Sometimes she tests me, and really doesn't want me to go, but this time I think she really did want me out of there.

I put on the Barrack Obama concert with Stevie Wonder, and she says, "Why the fuck would you want to watch this?" I say, "Well, it's just a living legend performing for our first Black president at a time where it's exciting to be an American for maybe the first time in my lifetime, but yeah, you're right. Maybe we should put on some of your Friends re-runs." I mean, yeah, it was snotty of me, but I was fed up with the way she was snapping at me. She, of course, says, "why don't you just go home." I said I would. After I finished my drink.

Tony Benet comes on stage next, and he starts singing "For Once in My Life." He's so old, but his voice is still so great, and the words are so beautiful. I started tearing up thinking, maybe I need to be understanding because this is the woman I love. Maybe I just need to be patient when she's like this, and maybe she just wants me to reach out. Right when I'm about to try to extend the olive branch, she says, "This guy sucks." I say, "He's 80-years-old for fuck's sake!"

I then turned the TV off. She says, "Why are you doing that?" I said, "Well, that's optimum silence, right?" She asks me again to leave.

I say, "Okay, it's been real," and left. I don't plan on returning her calls either. This might be it. I whistled "For Once in My Life" loudly as I put on my shoes, but I should have done "Evil Woman" by ELO.

To think, I did that thing from Post #2 to prepare for the night, drove through a rain storm, and when I got back, my cotton-pickin' parking spot was taken, making me have to walk through the rain. All that for that one hour evening?

I didn't even get any lousy two minute sex out of the deal.

Method #3: Yoga

I figure all that stretching, breathing, relaxation, and shit has to do something for my anxiety and related "problems." I signed up for my first class this Saturday. It's a beginner group, which leads me to believe I'll be the youngest guy in there, and probably the least flexible - all the more embarrassing. I'm seriously the least flexible guy I know; I can barely touch my knees let alone my toes. Still, I have a buddy who moved to L.A., and he said ever since he started doing yoga, he has felt better in every way, and he even got much, much better at basketball. I never asked him if he got better at . . .

Oh, speaking of which, I had a decent performance last night. My girlfriend was acting really sweet, I felt really relaxed, and I was able to go a real long time with her on top. She knows I'm having issues, so she was trying to ask me how I thought a local sports team is doing, and all kinds of shit. I know, I'm a lucky man. She even said she was trying not to make too much noise, but I can tell she was excited because she said it all restrained and it was all the more sexy . . . Yeah, that didn't really help. She got turned on and really wanted me on top, so I got on top. I immediately started getting nervous, and sure enough, I sucked.

However, I'm going to consider this a small victory. I did some good bottom work. Sure, I had to keep my eyes closed, and she had to talk sports and keep from letting out any moans, but it's still better than I've performed in over a month. It's going to happen. I need to be positive. I'm going to be a stallion again. Hell, after all this yoga, I'm going to want to get in all kinds of nutty positions, and she'll be trying to keep up with me! I figure it will just take five or six . . . hundred classes.

Method #2: Masturbating More Often

Yes, the age old theory: If it's not as volatile of a volcano, it won't be so quick to erupt. I've been upping the tugging over the last couple of weeks to see if it will help, and it hasn't been proven to work yet for one simple reason: I haven't gotten a chance to have the sex since I started. That's two sentences in a row with a colon, and I apologize for that because I'm not supposed to get into the colon until entry number 73.

It's weird whacking it out of an obligation. The only other times I can think of is if when I'm desperate to fall asleep, and to a more serious degree, if someone were at a sperm bank. I've never "donated," but I have done it get to sleep on many a night. That's the usual time to do it, but trying to get one in after work because you don't want to suck in bed later is just . . . strange. I don't think man is supposed to jerk it this much. I feel kind of sick and weird with my mid-day pulls. I mean, I knew that this blog was going to be a journey of self-exploration, but this is ridiculous.

I know a lot of people who tried to go without masturbation for lent and other reasons, but I'm the only guy I know stepping up my spanking regimen. I fear I'm going to have callused hands and a chafed penis, but at least I'll be better in the sack, right? I hope all I don't get better at is finding time in my busy day to schedule in a wank or two.

Method #1: Limiting Caffeine Intake

I have real bad anxiety. It's not obvious to everyone around me, but my heart races a lot, and my mind races even faster. Much faster. This is why I have issues during sex sometimes; I can't turn off my brain!

Caffeine heightens my anxiety, but I'm a caffeine junky and can't function without it. However, I'm committed to fixing this problem, so I cut all caffeinated beverages out of my diet. For three days I didn't have a drop, and I was a tired, crabby, lethargic prick. Thank the lord I accidentally drank some caffeinated tea. It was "lemon lift." That sounds herbal, right? Nope.

I immediately felt better. I was working on a creative project with some friends, and all of a sudden I was more upbeat, contributing more, and just . . . happier.

I can't cut caffeine. I just can't. But, I'm committing to stopping after 2PM every day. I just need that diet pepsi after lunch.

Intro

I used to be a real pipe-layer. I had complete control of when I decided to finish sexin' a young lady. I could go slow and sexy, hard and dirty, and any other way I liked. A few even told me that they had never had an orgasm through regular sex with no clitoral stimulation until they did it with me. They could all have been lying, and maybe I am right now, too, but the point is, I had some glory days. I swear!

Which is why this problem is so damned scary. It really came out of nowhere, and then it got worse as I thought about it more. I have a really hot girlfriend who's younger than me, and all I can think is, "This chick's going to leave me if I don't figure this thing out," which, of course, makes the problem worse; The more you think about it, the worse the problem gets.

Well, I'm determined to fix this thing, and I'm hoping to learn a little about myself, sex, science, and the world at large. I plan on continuing this blog until I have made 101 entries or I've figured it out, whichever comes first. God, please don't let me get to 101 . . .